I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Did I show you my penis last night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
