he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
