pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
