it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
