Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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