I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
