Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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