we have pet lesbian snakes
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
