Why is your signature on my underwear?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
