just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
