I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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