as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
