my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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