you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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