My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
FUCK WHALES
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
