I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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