was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize