happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
