In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
