Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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