In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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