I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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