what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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