i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
