I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
