is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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