when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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