i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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