I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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