12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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