Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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