Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
