I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
