i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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