can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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