They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
