lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
