then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
