can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
