the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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