The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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