I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Someone signed my nipple.
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