I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
