naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
