oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
