i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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