I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
