i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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