All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
