i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
