The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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