alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
