Taylor Swift is so right about you.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
How external is "for external use only"?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
