dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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