Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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