thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
