I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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